Lots of old questions?

I have always been a question person. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? I am 40 years old, and now more than every I want to know who I am? Last week I dealt with some rejection. I knew it was coming, but I cried and talked and whined to friends. Who gave me well meaning advice like. " Don't worry about want they think...you know you have done the right thing". I still worry. I still grieve for the acceptance I so wanted, and came to count on. albeit it wasn't acceptance based on the real me. It was based on a presented me. I go into realtionships with folks with an open hand, or at least I think I do. When though it comes down to it..and that relationship is taken away for whatever reasons I still grieve for it being taken out of my hand. Cause although my hand was open, and I give it back willing I still grieve, and am sorry it is gone. It makes me want to close myself to people, so I won't be hurt.

You see people haven't been kind to me. At least some people. I am an overcomer of sexual abuse by a father figure. My mother had me bouncing between her and my grandmother's, who was her mortal enemy it seemed, all my life. It wasn't her fault. It was financing, and a father who was a bigamist and emotionally abusive and possibly physically as well. She won't admit to the physical. I don't want your pitty, I just want to know how others find out who they are. How they get up each morning looking forward to the day. Me I am worried about all the relationships in my life. I wonder which one will be the next to go. How do you enjoy today without worrying about tommorow? God says in his word not to worry that it won't add one more day to your life. Folks say God loves you no matter what. Thing is I can't look into God's eyes, and hear his words speak to me and tell me who I am. He is a spirit on earth, and all though I want and need Him I just can't seem to get to him lately.

I get tired though of looking to my past to ask about who I am. Does my past define me? Does my present? Does my future? I don't know. I wake up each morning with a heavy heart. Wondering is today a good day or a bad day? How do I accept who I am, love who I am, be who I am when I don't know who that is. Plus I don't know how to find her.

All the above seems silly now...:) Going on and on about nothing. It is good to get it out though. No one reads this anyway.

God's sweet girl,
Angie