Forgot how to post:)

I haven't blogged in a while, so much so I forgot where the new post button was.  Sooo what should I say after such a long time....I could tell ya about my summer filld with softball, and swimming.  My kids activites.  Not mine.:) The biggest thing that probably has changed is my eldest going to public school.  I don't know if I have devulged my fear of High School.  Mind you not the reason I homeschooled.  I homeschoold quite at the instinence of my maker.  Jesus, God, Holy Spirit.  God of Abraham, Jacob, and me.  I know that makes no sense, but I knew why I was so scared of High School.  It was/is because I was born in Jesup, Ga, but was put in and out of the school system in Wayne County.  If you know Jesup then you know that bee bopping in and out of school in the eighties means I was an outcast.  A nobody, and the students who were the somebodies made sure that my nobody status was made painfully aware to me on several occasions.  The most memorable was in a printmaking class.  Mrs. Feltman was the teacher.  She was and still is a little odd which I liked.  She like Jesus which I thought added to her oddness in a very strange but appealing way.  I respected and liked her.  I don't know if she knew I existed, but I am very good at hiding in plain sight.:)  On to the embarassing story. It happened that I was at the table of nobody in particular...so much so I can't remember who were my table mates.  I do remember two of the students sitting at the art table to my left, and one to my immediate right.  There were 4 students per square table 2 on each side.  My right sided aquatence liked me ok...she didn't make too much fun.  I liked her hair.  So much so that I worked for most of my adult life to figure out how she made big soft curls stay in her hair all day without the sticky heaviness of obvious hairspray.  To my left skip one of my table mates were cheerleaders.  Mean cheerleaders.  I wanted their approval so badly.  So much so I would laugh hilarious at anything they said.  Anything they breathed I would send me howling in laughter like a hyeina.  Well after much observation of said cheer people I decided that I just had to get on their good side.  Low and behold my great grandfather who lived with me and my grandparents wanted to buy me a coat for winter.  Now mind you his Social Security check was $300 dollars a month if that.  He though gave me a crisp $100.00 bill to go get me a coat.  I new exactly where to go.  Davids the snooty snoot store in town that the cheer people frequented or I was sure they did.  Me I had never set foot in it.  My grandmother duitifully took me, and the kind gentlemen inside found me the newest version of the most popular jacket at the high school.  It was 3/4 length, and perfect..and only $80.00.  Well me and my proud self strutted into to art class the next day knowing that the cheer people would love me now that I had the newest jacket.  Well my coat of many colors did exactly what Joseph's did the green eyed envy monstor came out...and needless to say my dreams of full acceptance for being me...or the best version of me I could find was down the drain.  I still wore my jacket...but now with it just being a jacket, and not my ticket to freedom I wasn't as proud.  I think it was at that moment that I realized that I wouldn't make it in the "popular" crowd.  I have never seen myself the same since.  No matter how many times I am told I can't believe that I am as good as who I thought those cheer people were.  Fantasy dreams don't compute to real life.  I still though wish they did.  I still wish I was good enough...even though I know I am, somehow on somedays during some seasons I still feel like I did the day my coat of many colors dimmed.

There be a theme I think:)

Just got finished watching the Grammy's.  I only watched it cause I love Adele.  I love her voice, but also her.  She seems so real.  I think we are craving real right now.  My favorite was her last acceptance speech when she said the word "snot" on national tv.  So funny.  It's that same spirit of keeping it real it seems I have readers.  Not the anoymous kind.  The kind I know.  My friends my aquantiances.  Which makes this a little bit more difficult, but I am going to keep it real.  Back to the subject, there seemed to be a theme this weekend.  Mother's and daughters.  I have both and am both.  My relationship with my mother has been at times really tumultous.  I have had a break thru it that department over the last year or two.  A most recent one was when I cussed my mom out.  Now if you know me I don't cuss, much less cuss at my mom.  The cool thing , was she didn't hate me afterwards.  It was very liberating to know my mother could handle the real me.  The real all of me, even the not so pretty parts.  How I know tht this blog is not annoymous anymore is I had a converstaion with a new friend who read my blog, and she said she loves it.  I told her quite flippantly trying to hide my shame, and my thoughts racing saying oh no I hope she didn't take the.....whatever part.  Oh hush Angie...she read it!!!  Isn't that the point...or is it that I want people who don't know me reading it.  Yikes...way too much thinking going on.:)

I tied them together:)

Soooo...my children have gone off the grid again.:)  I have a 14 year old girl and a 12 year old boy.  They are 22 months apart, and they fight.  When they do it is like fingernails going across a chalkboard.  I bet tonite they had bickered a million times.  It was late, and I was tired of the fingernail sound so I tied their hands together.   Well just one hand.  My daughters left and my son's right.  She is right handed, he left.  I then gave them a task to do together.  Hanging laundry up.  They lived...and I heard a few laughs finally.:)

Hope

How do you find hope in a desolate place?  I don't know...I like to hide from desolation.  Pretend I am not in the dark.  Why?  So I won't be scared.  I hate fear.  It is an enemy of mine that I have fought practically my whole life.  I lived fearless once.  My Papa told me a story once of me on the top of a building.  At the peak of it...and guess what I did?  I jumped.  He caught me by my heals...and I am sure gave him a small heart attack in the process.:)  Where did that little fearless girl go...and how can I get her back?  Not that I want to be jumping off of any roofs anytime soon.:)  How did I get to this person who fears what others think about her...or worse doesn't care to the point of not caring what I think of myself.  There is a balance in there that I haven't been able to find...not for lack of trying mind you.  I just have got to this place of almost being hopeless...almost but not quite or I wouldn't be writing this blog. 

I can guess some answers...and please forgive me if these would be yours.  Just pray...God will fix it.:)  Believe it or not...God is what got me here.  So praying...I pray, and don't think I hate God.  I don't hate him.  I love him fiercely.   I just don't get him.  He has never left me nor forsaken me is a favorite Bible verse quoted to folks when talking about hope.  Well he may have never left me...but I sure enough have felt forsaken.  Just cause I feel it don't make it true though.  Next answer I don't want:) :)  Time can heal all wounds.  I agree...and believe you me time has helped, but time hasn't been kind to me.  The clock ticks and it tocks, and I wonder how much longer before I feel normal again?  How much longer will this season last...and will it be good, or does just this moment of it suck.  I know I sure am complaining alot, but heck no one reads this..except some folks in Russia .  Wonder why they are spyin on me...lol.  That was a joke for me myself and I.  Anyway, (my favorite word according to Meagan)   I am at home today trying to find hope.  I have been watching some of my favorite youtube videos.  Wedding videos are the ones I like the best.:)  It reminds me of the little girl who was once fearless..the one I so desperately need to meet again.

Oh if you read my last blog the prime rib was great...the crashed potatoes became somewhat edible smashed potatoes, the cheesecake I don't think happened...can't remember what did.  Probably ice cream(not homemade).  Still missing mom...some days more than others.:):)  Sneak up on you grief sure does suck.

Christmas food planning...yay!!:)

I loooooove to cook for others.:)  It is my happy place.  So when holidays come along I start planning my meals in my head probably a couple weeks ahead of time.  I am a nurse, and sometimes have to work holidays (this year I am off yay!!).   My plans  Christmas Ever are prime rib, crashed potatoes, green beans for Christmas Eve.  Not sure about dessert yet.  I could do the pecan pie route, but thinking maybe a cheesecake.  That is if I have time.

Then Christmas mid-morning going to do a brunch that is unless my family gets to come up Christmas then I will be doing a big lunch with ham, sweet potatoe crunch, squash casserole maybe a brocoli casserole or something green.  Would love to do some greens, but going to need some help with the cleaning and cooking and eating of those hint, hint.   I put pork ribs or pork chops in my greens.  Hamhocks are good too, but I love the fresh pork taste with mustard greens.  Hope to post pictures on here.:) So stay in touch.:)

Merry Christmas!!!

Angie B.

Mama

My mama passed away right before thanksgiving.  We put together this slide show to play during her memorial.  There was this one picture that shows her as a young girl at a farm with the wind blowing in her hair.  I had never seen that picture, or actually most of them.  I wished I had known that little girl.  My momma wasn't perfect, but she wasn't horrible either.  She was human like we all are. 

I believe she thought her greatest accomplishment in life was me, and my brother and sisters.  I believe it was how she was able to love the people she loved so well that they knew she loved them.  She was a big believer in telling the truth...especially to young people.  Changed a few lives with her truth telling.  So much so that the folks who considered her mom weren't just me, and the children who came from her womb.  It was the child who felt unloved by her mother.  The child who was rebelling against everything, and everyone until my momma told them the truth about themselves, and it most of the time slowly set them free. 

She changed just a handful of lives that way, but when she was in with someone she was all in, and made sure the truth stuck whether they liked it or not.   I think she did it, because it is the one thing she never accomplished for herself.   She didn't know her own mother's love.  She therefore wanted to give to someone else what she didn't have.  A mother's love.  Wow...what a gift to give someone. 

Unfortunately for me I didn't realize that a mother's love is a precious thing until later in my mother's life.    I never understood my mother until I realized that her own mother didn't love her, and never would.  No matter how hard she tried to win her love.  She was still trying to win it.   Even though my grandmother has senile dementia and most days didn't know who she was.   When she could remember all she could recollect was the bad blood between them.  I wish she would have had someone like her in her life.  Someone who could be her mother.  I know though now she is with the Father who is giving her the love she never had right now.  I miss you Momma.  Thank you for being my momma.

I am tired....but I want to blog:)

Why?  I don't know.  I want to talk to someone about my weekend.  Someone who cares.  I have people who care don't get me wrong, but they were with me all weekend soooooo telling them about my weekend might be a little redundant for them.:)  I guess what I really want is to complain about the softball filled weekend. Don't get me wrong.  I loved it.  My daughter is on a traveling softball team, and they had spring training.  Of course me being the dutiful or duty filled mom that I am I stayed out at the ball field all day.   I did sneak off for a proper lunch with a couple of softball parent buddies while my daughter ate sandwiches and chips with the rest of the teams.  I don't feel guilty.   I got a lovely sunburn on my ears of all places.  I had sunglasses on too which my husband informed me that makes me look like a raccoon.:)    I am also sore from I can't figure out what.  I think it may be being 40, but all I really did was sit around and watch my daughter work her heart out with her team.  She got completely dirty sliding, worked hard on speed and agility training, and lots of other softball stuff for 8 hours.  I am proud can ya tell.  They never stopped moving, and I am sore.:)  She is too....but I have a blog to complain to.  She just has me.  I feel better now.  I have whined it out.:) Peace out!!

God's sweet girl,
Angie