I haven't blogged in a while, so much so I forgot where the new post button was. Sooo what should I say after such a long time....I could tell ya about my summer filld with softball, and swimming. My kids activites. Not mine.:) The biggest thing that probably has changed is my eldest going to public school. I don't know if I have devulged my fear of High School. Mind you not the reason I homeschooled. I homeschoold quite at the instinence of my maker. Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. God of Abraham, Jacob, and me. I know that makes no sense, but I knew why I was so scared of High School. It was/is because I was born in Jesup, Ga, but was put in and out of the school system in Wayne County. If you know Jesup then you know that bee bopping in and out of school in the eighties means I was an outcast. A nobody, and the students who were the somebodies made sure that my nobody status was made painfully aware to me on several occasions. The most memorable was in a printmaking class. Mrs. Feltman was the teacher. She was and still is a little odd which I liked. She like Jesus which I thought added to her oddness in a very strange but appealing way. I respected and liked her. I don't know if she knew I existed, but I am very good at hiding in plain sight.:) On to the embarassing story. It happened that I was at the table of nobody in particular...so much so I can't remember who were my table mates. I do remember two of the students sitting at the art table to my left, and one to my immediate right. There were 4 students per square table 2 on each side. My right sided aquatence liked me ok...she didn't make too much fun. I liked her hair. So much so that I worked for most of my adult life to figure out how she made big soft curls stay in her hair all day without the sticky heaviness of obvious hairspray. To my left skip one of my table mates were cheerleaders. Mean cheerleaders. I wanted their approval so badly. So much so I would laugh hilarious at anything they said. Anything they breathed I would send me howling in laughter like a hyeina. Well after much observation of said cheer people I decided that I just had to get on their good side. Low and behold my great grandfather who lived with me and my grandparents wanted to buy me a coat for winter. Now mind you his Social Security check was $300 dollars a month if that. He though gave me a crisp $100.00 bill to go get me a coat. I new exactly where to go. Davids the snooty snoot store in town that the cheer people frequented or I was sure they did. Me I had never set foot in it. My grandmother duitifully took me, and the kind gentlemen inside found me the newest version of the most popular jacket at the high school. It was 3/4 length, and perfect..and only $80.00. Well me and my proud self strutted into to art class the next day knowing that the cheer people would love me now that I had the newest jacket. Well my coat of many colors did exactly what Joseph's did the green eyed envy monstor came out...and needless to say my dreams of full acceptance for being me...or the best version of me I could find was down the drain. I still wore my jacket...but now with it just being a jacket, and not my ticket to freedom I wasn't as proud. I think it was at that moment that I realized that I wouldn't make it in the "popular" crowd. I have never seen myself the same since. No matter how many times I am told I can't believe that I am as good as who I thought those cheer people were. Fantasy dreams don't compute to real life. I still though wish they did. I still wish I was good enough...even though I know I am, somehow on somedays during some seasons I still feel like I did the day my coat of many colors dimmed.
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