Hope

How do you find hope in a desolate place?  I don't know...I like to hide from desolation.  Pretend I am not in the dark.  Why?  So I won't be scared.  I hate fear.  It is an enemy of mine that I have fought practically my whole life.  I lived fearless once.  My Papa told me a story once of me on the top of a building.  At the peak of it...and guess what I did?  I jumped.  He caught me by my heals...and I am sure gave him a small heart attack in the process.:)  Where did that little fearless girl go...and how can I get her back?  Not that I want to be jumping off of any roofs anytime soon.:)  How did I get to this person who fears what others think about her...or worse doesn't care to the point of not caring what I think of myself.  There is a balance in there that I haven't been able to find...not for lack of trying mind you.  I just have got to this place of almost being hopeless...almost but not quite or I wouldn't be writing this blog. 

I can guess some answers...and please forgive me if these would be yours.  Just pray...God will fix it.:)  Believe it or not...God is what got me here.  So praying...I pray, and don't think I hate God.  I don't hate him.  I love him fiercely.   I just don't get him.  He has never left me nor forsaken me is a favorite Bible verse quoted to folks when talking about hope.  Well he may have never left me...but I sure enough have felt forsaken.  Just cause I feel it don't make it true though.  Next answer I don't want:) :)  Time can heal all wounds.  I agree...and believe you me time has helped, but time hasn't been kind to me.  The clock ticks and it tocks, and I wonder how much longer before I feel normal again?  How much longer will this season last...and will it be good, or does just this moment of it suck.  I know I sure am complaining alot, but heck no one reads this..except some folks in Russia .  Wonder why they are spyin on me...lol.  That was a joke for me myself and I.  Anyway, (my favorite word according to Meagan)   I am at home today trying to find hope.  I have been watching some of my favorite youtube videos.  Wedding videos are the ones I like the best.:)  It reminds me of the little girl who was once fearless..the one I so desperately need to meet again.

Oh if you read my last blog the prime rib was great...the crashed potatoes became somewhat edible smashed potatoes, the cheesecake I don't think happened...can't remember what did.  Probably ice cream(not homemade).  Still missing mom...some days more than others.:):)  Sneak up on you grief sure does suck.